Losing Again

I started this blog as my testimony and a place to record my life as a mother, wife, daughter and friend. In that, it's hard to see a year and 9 months slip by. I've always loved to write. It's been a good outlet. It's also nice to share my triumphs and failures w/ someone else. It serves to be somebodies purpose to know they're not alone. We all struggle. We all fall. We are all sinners. It's not always easy to face the music, but I'm showing you my heart. My emotion. Raw. Undone, and real.

I've always struggled with who I am. Not by any means am I saying I'm not happy with who I am, but when you see someone with something more, It's hard to not want it. It's hard to not feel like there's more to life. That if you had more money, more friends, a nicer car, a bigger house, or longer/straighter hair that life would be different. Perhaps easier. I'm learning to be content with what I have. Who I am. Christians aren't perfect. We possess ugly traits, like jealousy. Thankfully though, we're all forgiven.

Like when I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks July 24Th, 2010. (My husband's birthday none the less.) I was jealous of pregnant women. I loathed going to the Dr. Every pregnant woman I saw brought ugly thoughts into my head. I was angry. It didn't matter to me if they were elated. If it was their first. If it was a long, hard journey getting there. If they suffered from infertility. Had PCOS or Endometriosis. They were pregnant, and I lost mine. Surely, God knew I was a great mother. Hadn't I proved myself?? I had 6. I gave my children everything I had, and everything I was. I ALWAYS put them first. They got my best. They were my world. Then I stopped. Wait. That's the problem. I gave everything I had to my kids. I gave THEM my best. Put THEM first. Made THEM my world. And the one who blessed me with them, I gave nothing to. I put so much into them, I had nothing left to give him. I stopped praising him for the blessing. After all, I already had them. I no longer saw him for the value of what he was. I gave that away too. Thankfully, we're forgiven! I dropped to my knees and raised my hands. Tears of mercy flooded my floor. I prayed until my knees hurt. I thanked God for my blessings big & small. I thanked him for the one's he gave me, and the one's he took away. I've always believed, "Sometimes God has to put you on your knees to teach you how to pray."

I found appreciation in the women expecting. It helped me to heal. Putting God back where he belonged, helped me to heal. I became SO consumed with MY wants, I forgot God has wants too. Sounds crazy huh?? Lemme say that again. God has wants too! He WANTS to be first. He WANTS us to pray. He WANTS us to love. He WANTS us to heal. With that, I no longer made it my misfortune. I made it my inspiration. I got pregnant again in October. What sweet salvation.