Release

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy June 26Th, 2011 at 2:56 am. 6lbs. 8.8oz. 19 1/2 in. long. 1 hour and 41 min. in labor too long. It was the WORST labor, delivery and recovery Ive ever been through. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all again to get the same perfect, beautiful, joyous outcome. I just could do without the immense pain, horrible gigantic hemorrhoid's, constipation, engorgement, and feeling like I got ran over by a train that then backed up and ran over me again. Sorry for the graphic description, but I don't want some thinking it's all gravy. It's work. Hard work. All worth it, but none the less, work.

Holding that baby in my arms created something in me that was SO much bigger than it all took to get me there. For weeks I lived in sitz baths and eased to a sitting position. Half the time I propped myself on one butt cheek. It wasn't pretty. I spent days and nights in tears. I couldn't sleep. I finally made a call to the Dr. after MANY failed attempts at Preparation H, Tucks Pads, Tylenol and Anusol. I spent hours on end searching home remedies to no avail. The nurse at the Dr. office was sweet as can be and pushed through a prescription for me. When my husband brought it home, I was in tears again. Suppositories!!!! WHAT?!?! I can't come within an inch of this area without being in pain and they want me to push these where?? I wanted to scream, but all I did was cry. Needless to say, they didn't work. Between tensing up, them coming back out, melting in my hand, frustration and tears, I gave up. I started taking 7 fiber pills, and Excedrin PM at night and praying ALOT. I couldn't tell you when they went away, but I thank God they did. I felt silly taking my hemorrhoid's in prayer to God, but I did.

I believe God wants to talk to you. Period! He wants you to come to him with everything. In the bible it says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 Let's think about that. 1st part of that verse, "Cast ALL your anxiety on Him." Cast means to throw something forcefully in a specified direction. Throw, fling, pitch, toss, hurl, shed. He wants us to cast our anxiety's off of us, and give them over to him. Whatever you're facing, whatever you're stressing over, Big or small, he wants you to cast it on him. The second part states, "For he cares for you." He cares for us! He wants to take our problems and give us peace. Isn't that amazing?? He wants to take our burdens because he cares for us. He wants to help you! He wants to heal you. He wants to turn your anxiety into peace. Remember when I said, "God has wants too." This shows us that. God LOVES when we call upon him. He doesn't want you to feel guilty to call upon him. We're told this in Psalm 50:15. "And call on me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver you, and you will honor me." Again, we're validated with the wants of God. Whatever it is, whatever you're going through, give it to God. He wants to take it all away and all he wants in return is your praise. It's a win/win. You are cleared of your trouble and given peace, and he receives praise.

Think about a time you received something. Whether it be good news, an unexpected gift, a good deal, a compliment. Isn't it something you wanted to share?? You wanted to tell someone about it. It's the same with God. He wants you to share his praise. If there's something you're going through right now in your life, give it to him! He is the ONLY one that can take it away. Drugs and alcohol not only create more problems, but your anxiety never goes away. It's there on a sobering day. Sure, you can continue to live your life weighed down by drugs, alcohol, regret, stress, hate and persecution. But, why would you want to be?? They say, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", but drugs CAN kill you. Alcohol CAN kill you. Regret, stress, hate and persecution, can kill you. Give the weight away. Accept life! Trust me, I've been weighed down. Even as a Christian. I've had problems giving it over to God. I've had problems praying about my troubles. Sure, I can pray about hemorrhoid's, but I've held on to things like jealousy and hurt.

It was hard to let go. They're human traits. It's something we can all possess. It's how we choose to use them that determines how they use us. Hanging on to the hurt I was inflicted gave me a sense that he wasn't released from what he did to me. Unfortunately, neither was I. Because I couldn't let go, I was allowing him to continue to hurt me. I was hurting myself. I was bound by my own chains. That was hard to swallow. It all came down to being selfish. I was too selfish to release him of his wrong doing. But God's not selfish. We're forgiven. If we come in prayer and confess with our mouths our sins, we're forgiven. If God can release us for our persecution of Him, (our sins.) Why can't we release ourselves?? After all, we're the only one's bound. We have the choice to forgive. I always thought forgiveness was releasing, but have learned it's for me. It's not saying it's OK, but it's letting me let go. To free myself from the chains. That's powerful!!!!

Losing Again

I started this blog as my testimony and a place to record my life as a mother, wife, daughter and friend. In that, it's hard to see a year and 9 months slip by. I've always loved to write. It's been a good outlet. It's also nice to share my triumphs and failures w/ someone else. It serves to be somebodies purpose to know they're not alone. We all struggle. We all fall. We are all sinners. It's not always easy to face the music, but I'm showing you my heart. My emotion. Raw. Undone, and real.

I've always struggled with who I am. Not by any means am I saying I'm not happy with who I am, but when you see someone with something more, It's hard to not want it. It's hard to not feel like there's more to life. That if you had more money, more friends, a nicer car, a bigger house, or longer/straighter hair that life would be different. Perhaps easier. I'm learning to be content with what I have. Who I am. Christians aren't perfect. We possess ugly traits, like jealousy. Thankfully though, we're all forgiven.

Like when I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks July 24Th, 2010. (My husband's birthday none the less.) I was jealous of pregnant women. I loathed going to the Dr. Every pregnant woman I saw brought ugly thoughts into my head. I was angry. It didn't matter to me if they were elated. If it was their first. If it was a long, hard journey getting there. If they suffered from infertility. Had PCOS or Endometriosis. They were pregnant, and I lost mine. Surely, God knew I was a great mother. Hadn't I proved myself?? I had 6. I gave my children everything I had, and everything I was. I ALWAYS put them first. They got my best. They were my world. Then I stopped. Wait. That's the problem. I gave everything I had to my kids. I gave THEM my best. Put THEM first. Made THEM my world. And the one who blessed me with them, I gave nothing to. I put so much into them, I had nothing left to give him. I stopped praising him for the blessing. After all, I already had them. I no longer saw him for the value of what he was. I gave that away too. Thankfully, we're forgiven! I dropped to my knees and raised my hands. Tears of mercy flooded my floor. I prayed until my knees hurt. I thanked God for my blessings big & small. I thanked him for the one's he gave me, and the one's he took away. I've always believed, "Sometimes God has to put you on your knees to teach you how to pray."

I found appreciation in the women expecting. It helped me to heal. Putting God back where he belonged, helped me to heal. I became SO consumed with MY wants, I forgot God has wants too. Sounds crazy huh?? Lemme say that again. God has wants too! He WANTS to be first. He WANTS us to pray. He WANTS us to love. He WANTS us to heal. With that, I no longer made it my misfortune. I made it my inspiration. I got pregnant again in October. What sweet salvation.

It's been a while...

So, It's been a while. Too long. Over a year! Can't believe it's been that long. (OK, I can.) Time has just gotten away. SO much has happened, I don't know where to start. We moved, I lost a baby & had a baby. I got married. Our marriage has seen the depths of despair. It's also seen the highest heights. Daniel had surgery. Ryan and Brayden graduated Kindergarten. Madison is potty trained. I built a relationship with my dad and couldn't be happier. I've been scared & happy. Lost & found. Hurt & healed. Shaken & moved, and we're still standing through it all. Praise God!!!

Believe

I've always believed in standing up for what you believe, but haven't always put forth what I believed.

That's a lot of believing huh?

Well to be honest, there's a lot I believe.

To give you a little insight into me, I'm gonna tell you about my beliefs.

By any means, I don't expect you to believe in everything I do, it makes for a healthy relationship, but I do ask that you respect my views. I will as well respect yours.

I believe in God first & foremost
I believe in family
I believe in Jesus died on the cross for us.
I believe in life, & that it's only God's right to take it.
I believe in rights. That it's an individuals right to choose things they believe. Even when I don't share the same view.
I believe in church on Sunday. Awana on wednesday.
I believe in love.
I believe if you look through the eyes of a child you will see innocence in the world.
I believe in 4H&FFA.
I believe in strength. If you dig down, way down, you'll find your inner strength.
I believe breast is best.
I believe that a child is a gift to be treasured.
I believe sometime's God has to put us on our knees to teach us how to pray.
I believe in honesty.
I believe in forgiveness, even when it hurts.
I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated.
I believe in long talks & slow kisses.
I believe in standing up for what you believe no matter what the cost. Never wavering off your path.

But,
I truely believe, it's better to be hated for who you are, than be loved for who your not.

Not Me!! Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I certainly DID NOT buy 3 beautiful Blueberry OS coveralls and 3SR OS Mutt's for my Madi who's ALMOST potty trained just because they were adoreable and I couldn't pass them up. Seriously, who could resist Madi in a cow print blueberry with nothing but her John Deere boots on?? Nevermind the fact that she ONLY wears them to bed.

I DID NOT lie for the kids yesterday when daddy asked if they picked all their toys up so they could eat dinner and have a cookie afterwards, just because I couldn't bare to see them upset when daddy would tell them they weren't getting a cookie then. In that, I DID NOT run in there and put their toys in their toy box and shove the rest under their beds as my husband came walking down the hallway. When he asked what I was doing, I DID NOT lie to him and tell him "I'm wondering if I should vaccum their floor now, or if it could wait til the morning??" to which he DID NOT reply, "Babe, you've done more than your share today, let's wait".

I DID NOT put BM in my husband's coffee cause we were out of milk and Cody had drank the rest of the creamer. Yeah, don't ask. Cody likes creamer. It's not allowed, but he does it anyway. After all, who am I to tell him not to drink the Southern Pecan creamer?? Seriously!! LOL Oh, and if your wondering, my husband LOVED the coffee! HAHA He's lactose intolerant anyway, so it's good for him!!

Last but not least, I DID NOT walk out of my bedroom to find my husband and kids eating cookies, and when I suddenly realized the only cookies we had in the house were lactation cookies, I DID NOT allow them to finish their cookies before I told them what they were. In that, I DID NOT secrety wish my husband would start lactating so HE could feed Paisley and I could catch a break!! LOL NOT ME!!

Randomness...

I have been blessed with 6 beautiful babies. Scratch that. God has blessed me with HIS 6 beautiful babies. After all, they are not mine. I have been blessed with the opportunity to raise these children to HIS ability. Guide them on HIS path. Nurture them in HIS way. But they are only mine here on earth. They will dwell with him in his house forever. I thank God every waking moment for his blessing. Not once will I take this for granted. Isn't it amazing in a world full of people he chose me?? He thought enough about me to hand pick ME for this job. That's powerful!!

God's Plan...

Everything in my life is according to plan. Not mine, His. Sure, I prayed for these children, but if it wasn't in his plan, his will wouldn't have been done. See, my will isn't always his. That's tough sometimes to swallow. When we want something SO bad & we pray every waking moment for it, then were not given the blessing were yearning, sometimes we shake our fists at God. We waver off his path. But that's not gonna change his plan. It's just gonna separate us from him. Sure, we can change our path, but even that won't change his plan. He had a plan for us long before the desires of our heart wanted. So when I prayed for these babies and I was blessed with them, I was/am eternally grateful. I've been scrutinized many times for having prayed for 6 kids. Yup, that's right, I prayed for them. Well, I may not have prayed specifically for them, but in my cries of hurt and despair God answered my call. After all, he fulfilled my prayer. He blessed me with Daniel. With that, I was brought out of it. He gave me purpose. I prayed for Ryan, was blessed with Brayden, then prayed for Cody, Madison & Paisley. I even prayed for the two miscarriages in Oct & Dec. No, not directly, but I prayed for a child. God just had a different plan. With those two losses I clung to my faith. I never shook my fist at God. I never questioned his plan because it was just that, His plan. Sure it hurt. It hurt bad. I won't lie. But he had purpose cause he knows the WHOLE plan. That was merely a piece to my puzzle.

I may not know the struggles others face with infertility, but I do know the heartache of a loss. Is it any better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?? I don't believe so, but they're both easily arguable sides. But that's a whole nother post. I just know it's all a part of his plan. It's all according to his timing.

I find complete comfort in knowing God is in control. HE knows what's best for me. I strongly believe that if he brought me to it, he'll bring me through it. I surrender myself to him & know that he'll protect me. Even in those moments of darkness & despair he will guide me.

I give of myself whole heartily to you Lord. I cry out your name & lift it up in praise. My hands are raised towards the heavens & I feel the peace washing over me. I'm yours Lord, I'm yours!! Whatever my purpose or calling, I will answer. I don't know your plan, or what is to come, but I do know that I'm open to it. I trust in you Lord.

Thank you Lord for my trials and tribulations. Thank you for my time's of despair. Thank you for my losses. I got it God. It's where I needed to be. Right where I needed to be.

*Sometimes God has to put you on your knees to teach you how to pray*

Happy Father's Day

I feel SO blessed to be able to share my life with these wonderful men I get to honor today. I seriously couldn't imagine life without them in it. They have all brought so many different things to my life. I honor and respect these men for everything they are. In life, and in the world. I would love to be able to eloquently speak about them in a manner that would justify their placement, but no words could compare the passion my heart has for them. So, In my own words I will dedicate myself, my life, and my post to them.

I have been blessed without end because of this man's presence in my life. My heart is forever tied to him. He has comforted me in life endlessly. He's been there every step of the way. Down every road I've chosen he's walked with me. Never a step behind. He's loved me from the depths of my heart to the bottom of my soul. He's loved me when I was hard to love. As much as I've pushed him away, he's remained a constant in my life. Never wavering on this path. He's been there from day one of my life. He's kissed away all my boo boos. Always helped me up when I fell. He was there with me when I rode my bike for the first time. He held me tight, but eventually let go. He gave me the freedom to try it on my own. He comforts me when I'm scared. He's been to every softball game I had. Right there in the bleachers cheering me on. In my darkest valley's, through trials and tribulations, he's reminded me of his love. He's reminded me of his commitment to never leave me. I wouldn't be half the person I am today if it wasn't for him, and for that I owe him everything. I am who I am, because of him.

Lord, I love you with everything I am!! I truly am who I am because of you. I thank you SO much for believing in me. I thank you SO much for thinking enough about me that you would send your son to die for our sins that we may be free. No matter how much I've strayed, or pushed you away, you've always welcomed me back with open arms. I'm SO happy to have you in my life. You've filled it with so much peace and joy. I've never been so comfortable with myself or my life til I opened my heart to you. I know there's nothing too big or too small I can't get through without you beside me. I will forever praise your name.

I wish I could have written that above post about my dad. *sigh* I'm sure some of you thought it was directed towards him, but truth being I could only dream. See, my dad is a distant in my life. Though I always dreamed of those things with him, it never was a reality. I missed my father being there for me. Softball when everyone Else's dad was there, mine was missing from the bleachers. When we went to state, he wasn't there to cheer me on. My graduation's, dance recitals. Cheer leading and Gymnastics went on without his presence. My mom raised my brother and I on her own. She in essence was my mother and father. I always dreamed of being a daddy's girl. After all, I am his only daughter. Four kids, only one girl. A lot of time's I've blamed myself for not being good enough for him. He was always there for birthday's and Christmas. He gave of his wallet candidly. What I'd have given to have him give of himself that way. I guess in many ways, I learned a lot from him. I closed myself off from people. Sheltered my heart in preparation of getting hurt. Maybe even anticipation. Maybe I never will know why he is the way he is, but this I do know. My heart is full of love for him. (OK, so this post might not mimic it) I love him with every ounce of who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see him. I am a spitting image of him. I pray for him constantly. See, he was an abusive man. My mom divorced him when I was one, because he wanted my mom to abort. She instead chose life. She became a woman of faith, thanks to my aunt, and well he belittled her for that. But, after all is said and done, he is my father. He is a part of me. For that, I am grateful.

To my wonderful husband. I love you!! I can't say enough about you on this day, or any day for that matter. Thank you will NEVER come close to the gratefulness I have in my heart for you. Thank you so much for accepting me as I was, bruised and broken. Young with a lot to learn. No matter how much I pushed you away, you never gave up on me. You drew me nearer. You brought back so much in my life I'd been missing. You love me unconditionally even when I'm not the easiest to love. We've been through a lot in our 6 years. With every step you've stood faithful beside me. You've helped me grow. You've given me strength at my weakest times, just because I knew you were there. I love you with everything I am, and thank you SO much for our beautiful and wonderful kids. After all, that's why I'm honoring you this day. Though I wish everyday was Father's day to honor you, because you deserve it. You have shown so much patience with them, as you have with me. Your full of love, and have poured your heart out to them. You give them guidance, and a foundation. You've given of yourself unselfishly. You've gone without to give to them. You've worked endless days, countless hours without recognition to give to them. You protect them with a hand that's so gentle. Your strong and uplifting. I couldn't have asked for more then when the Lord blessed me with you to be their father, my husband, and my best friend.

Regardless of when this day is over, these men will remain. They will be there. I will be here. I promise to forever honor them. After all, I am blessed. I have two father's!! How can I not commit myself entirely to them?