Release

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy June 26Th, 2011 at 2:56 am. 6lbs. 8.8oz. 19 1/2 in. long. 1 hour and 41 min. in labor too long. It was the WORST labor, delivery and recovery Ive ever been through. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all again to get the same perfect, beautiful, joyous outcome. I just could do without the immense pain, horrible gigantic hemorrhoid's, constipation, engorgement, and feeling like I got ran over by a train that then backed up and ran over me again. Sorry for the graphic description, but I don't want some thinking it's all gravy. It's work. Hard work. All worth it, but none the less, work.

Holding that baby in my arms created something in me that was SO much bigger than it all took to get me there. For weeks I lived in sitz baths and eased to a sitting position. Half the time I propped myself on one butt cheek. It wasn't pretty. I spent days and nights in tears. I couldn't sleep. I finally made a call to the Dr. after MANY failed attempts at Preparation H, Tucks Pads, Tylenol and Anusol. I spent hours on end searching home remedies to no avail. The nurse at the Dr. office was sweet as can be and pushed through a prescription for me. When my husband brought it home, I was in tears again. Suppositories!!!! WHAT?!?! I can't come within an inch of this area without being in pain and they want me to push these where?? I wanted to scream, but all I did was cry. Needless to say, they didn't work. Between tensing up, them coming back out, melting in my hand, frustration and tears, I gave up. I started taking 7 fiber pills, and Excedrin PM at night and praying ALOT. I couldn't tell you when they went away, but I thank God they did. I felt silly taking my hemorrhoid's in prayer to God, but I did.

I believe God wants to talk to you. Period! He wants you to come to him with everything. In the bible it says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 Let's think about that. 1st part of that verse, "Cast ALL your anxiety on Him." Cast means to throw something forcefully in a specified direction. Throw, fling, pitch, toss, hurl, shed. He wants us to cast our anxiety's off of us, and give them over to him. Whatever you're facing, whatever you're stressing over, Big or small, he wants you to cast it on him. The second part states, "For he cares for you." He cares for us! He wants to take our problems and give us peace. Isn't that amazing?? He wants to take our burdens because he cares for us. He wants to help you! He wants to heal you. He wants to turn your anxiety into peace. Remember when I said, "God has wants too." This shows us that. God LOVES when we call upon him. He doesn't want you to feel guilty to call upon him. We're told this in Psalm 50:15. "And call on me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver you, and you will honor me." Again, we're validated with the wants of God. Whatever it is, whatever you're going through, give it to God. He wants to take it all away and all he wants in return is your praise. It's a win/win. You are cleared of your trouble and given peace, and he receives praise.

Think about a time you received something. Whether it be good news, an unexpected gift, a good deal, a compliment. Isn't it something you wanted to share?? You wanted to tell someone about it. It's the same with God. He wants you to share his praise. If there's something you're going through right now in your life, give it to him! He is the ONLY one that can take it away. Drugs and alcohol not only create more problems, but your anxiety never goes away. It's there on a sobering day. Sure, you can continue to live your life weighed down by drugs, alcohol, regret, stress, hate and persecution. But, why would you want to be?? They say, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", but drugs CAN kill you. Alcohol CAN kill you. Regret, stress, hate and persecution, can kill you. Give the weight away. Accept life! Trust me, I've been weighed down. Even as a Christian. I've had problems giving it over to God. I've had problems praying about my troubles. Sure, I can pray about hemorrhoid's, but I've held on to things like jealousy and hurt.

It was hard to let go. They're human traits. It's something we can all possess. It's how we choose to use them that determines how they use us. Hanging on to the hurt I was inflicted gave me a sense that he wasn't released from what he did to me. Unfortunately, neither was I. Because I couldn't let go, I was allowing him to continue to hurt me. I was hurting myself. I was bound by my own chains. That was hard to swallow. It all came down to being selfish. I was too selfish to release him of his wrong doing. But God's not selfish. We're forgiven. If we come in prayer and confess with our mouths our sins, we're forgiven. If God can release us for our persecution of Him, (our sins.) Why can't we release ourselves?? After all, we're the only one's bound. We have the choice to forgive. I always thought forgiveness was releasing, but have learned it's for me. It's not saying it's OK, but it's letting me let go. To free myself from the chains. That's powerful!!!!

Losing Again

I started this blog as my testimony and a place to record my life as a mother, wife, daughter and friend. In that, it's hard to see a year and 9 months slip by. I've always loved to write. It's been a good outlet. It's also nice to share my triumphs and failures w/ someone else. It serves to be somebodies purpose to know they're not alone. We all struggle. We all fall. We are all sinners. It's not always easy to face the music, but I'm showing you my heart. My emotion. Raw. Undone, and real.

I've always struggled with who I am. Not by any means am I saying I'm not happy with who I am, but when you see someone with something more, It's hard to not want it. It's hard to not feel like there's more to life. That if you had more money, more friends, a nicer car, a bigger house, or longer/straighter hair that life would be different. Perhaps easier. I'm learning to be content with what I have. Who I am. Christians aren't perfect. We possess ugly traits, like jealousy. Thankfully though, we're all forgiven.

Like when I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks July 24Th, 2010. (My husband's birthday none the less.) I was jealous of pregnant women. I loathed going to the Dr. Every pregnant woman I saw brought ugly thoughts into my head. I was angry. It didn't matter to me if they were elated. If it was their first. If it was a long, hard journey getting there. If they suffered from infertility. Had PCOS or Endometriosis. They were pregnant, and I lost mine. Surely, God knew I was a great mother. Hadn't I proved myself?? I had 6. I gave my children everything I had, and everything I was. I ALWAYS put them first. They got my best. They were my world. Then I stopped. Wait. That's the problem. I gave everything I had to my kids. I gave THEM my best. Put THEM first. Made THEM my world. And the one who blessed me with them, I gave nothing to. I put so much into them, I had nothing left to give him. I stopped praising him for the blessing. After all, I already had them. I no longer saw him for the value of what he was. I gave that away too. Thankfully, we're forgiven! I dropped to my knees and raised my hands. Tears of mercy flooded my floor. I prayed until my knees hurt. I thanked God for my blessings big & small. I thanked him for the one's he gave me, and the one's he took away. I've always believed, "Sometimes God has to put you on your knees to teach you how to pray."

I found appreciation in the women expecting. It helped me to heal. Putting God back where he belonged, helped me to heal. I became SO consumed with MY wants, I forgot God has wants too. Sounds crazy huh?? Lemme say that again. God has wants too! He WANTS to be first. He WANTS us to pray. He WANTS us to love. He WANTS us to heal. With that, I no longer made it my misfortune. I made it my inspiration. I got pregnant again in October. What sweet salvation.

It's been a while...

So, It's been a while. Too long. Over a year! Can't believe it's been that long. (OK, I can.) Time has just gotten away. SO much has happened, I don't know where to start. We moved, I lost a baby & had a baby. I got married. Our marriage has seen the depths of despair. It's also seen the highest heights. Daniel had surgery. Ryan and Brayden graduated Kindergarten. Madison is potty trained. I built a relationship with my dad and couldn't be happier. I've been scared & happy. Lost & found. Hurt & healed. Shaken & moved, and we're still standing through it all. Praise God!!!

Believe

I've always believed in standing up for what you believe, but haven't always put forth what I believed.

That's a lot of believing huh?

Well to be honest, there's a lot I believe.

To give you a little insight into me, I'm gonna tell you about my beliefs.

By any means, I don't expect you to believe in everything I do, it makes for a healthy relationship, but I do ask that you respect my views. I will as well respect yours.

I believe in God first & foremost
I believe in family
I believe in Jesus died on the cross for us.
I believe in life, & that it's only God's right to take it.
I believe in rights. That it's an individuals right to choose things they believe. Even when I don't share the same view.
I believe in church on Sunday. Awana on wednesday.
I believe in love.
I believe if you look through the eyes of a child you will see innocence in the world.
I believe in 4H&FFA.
I believe in strength. If you dig down, way down, you'll find your inner strength.
I believe breast is best.
I believe that a child is a gift to be treasured.
I believe sometime's God has to put us on our knees to teach us how to pray.
I believe in honesty.
I believe in forgiveness, even when it hurts.
I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated.
I believe in long talks & slow kisses.
I believe in standing up for what you believe no matter what the cost. Never wavering off your path.

But,
I truely believe, it's better to be hated for who you are, than be loved for who your not.

Not Me!! Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I certainly DID NOT buy 3 beautiful Blueberry OS coveralls and 3SR OS Mutt's for my Madi who's ALMOST potty trained just because they were adoreable and I couldn't pass them up. Seriously, who could resist Madi in a cow print blueberry with nothing but her John Deere boots on?? Nevermind the fact that she ONLY wears them to bed.

I DID NOT lie for the kids yesterday when daddy asked if they picked all their toys up so they could eat dinner and have a cookie afterwards, just because I couldn't bare to see them upset when daddy would tell them they weren't getting a cookie then. In that, I DID NOT run in there and put their toys in their toy box and shove the rest under their beds as my husband came walking down the hallway. When he asked what I was doing, I DID NOT lie to him and tell him "I'm wondering if I should vaccum their floor now, or if it could wait til the morning??" to which he DID NOT reply, "Babe, you've done more than your share today, let's wait".

I DID NOT put BM in my husband's coffee cause we were out of milk and Cody had drank the rest of the creamer. Yeah, don't ask. Cody likes creamer. It's not allowed, but he does it anyway. After all, who am I to tell him not to drink the Southern Pecan creamer?? Seriously!! LOL Oh, and if your wondering, my husband LOVED the coffee! HAHA He's lactose intolerant anyway, so it's good for him!!

Last but not least, I DID NOT walk out of my bedroom to find my husband and kids eating cookies, and when I suddenly realized the only cookies we had in the house were lactation cookies, I DID NOT allow them to finish their cookies before I told them what they were. In that, I DID NOT secrety wish my husband would start lactating so HE could feed Paisley and I could catch a break!! LOL NOT ME!!

Randomness...

I have been blessed with 6 beautiful babies. Scratch that. God has blessed me with HIS 6 beautiful babies. After all, they are not mine. I have been blessed with the opportunity to raise these children to HIS ability. Guide them on HIS path. Nurture them in HIS way. But they are only mine here on earth. They will dwell with him in his house forever. I thank God every waking moment for his blessing. Not once will I take this for granted. Isn't it amazing in a world full of people he chose me?? He thought enough about me to hand pick ME for this job. That's powerful!!

God's Plan...

Everything in my life is according to plan. Not mine, His. Sure, I prayed for these children, but if it wasn't in his plan, his will wouldn't have been done. See, my will isn't always his. That's tough sometimes to swallow. When we want something SO bad & we pray every waking moment for it, then were not given the blessing were yearning, sometimes we shake our fists at God. We waver off his path. But that's not gonna change his plan. It's just gonna separate us from him. Sure, we can change our path, but even that won't change his plan. He had a plan for us long before the desires of our heart wanted. So when I prayed for these babies and I was blessed with them, I was/am eternally grateful. I've been scrutinized many times for having prayed for 6 kids. Yup, that's right, I prayed for them. Well, I may not have prayed specifically for them, but in my cries of hurt and despair God answered my call. After all, he fulfilled my prayer. He blessed me with Daniel. With that, I was brought out of it. He gave me purpose. I prayed for Ryan, was blessed with Brayden, then prayed for Cody, Madison & Paisley. I even prayed for the two miscarriages in Oct & Dec. No, not directly, but I prayed for a child. God just had a different plan. With those two losses I clung to my faith. I never shook my fist at God. I never questioned his plan because it was just that, His plan. Sure it hurt. It hurt bad. I won't lie. But he had purpose cause he knows the WHOLE plan. That was merely a piece to my puzzle.

I may not know the struggles others face with infertility, but I do know the heartache of a loss. Is it any better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?? I don't believe so, but they're both easily arguable sides. But that's a whole nother post. I just know it's all a part of his plan. It's all according to his timing.

I find complete comfort in knowing God is in control. HE knows what's best for me. I strongly believe that if he brought me to it, he'll bring me through it. I surrender myself to him & know that he'll protect me. Even in those moments of darkness & despair he will guide me.

I give of myself whole heartily to you Lord. I cry out your name & lift it up in praise. My hands are raised towards the heavens & I feel the peace washing over me. I'm yours Lord, I'm yours!! Whatever my purpose or calling, I will answer. I don't know your plan, or what is to come, but I do know that I'm open to it. I trust in you Lord.

Thank you Lord for my trials and tribulations. Thank you for my time's of despair. Thank you for my losses. I got it God. It's where I needed to be. Right where I needed to be.

*Sometimes God has to put you on your knees to teach you how to pray*

Happy Father's Day

I feel SO blessed to be able to share my life with these wonderful men I get to honor today. I seriously couldn't imagine life without them in it. They have all brought so many different things to my life. I honor and respect these men for everything they are. In life, and in the world. I would love to be able to eloquently speak about them in a manner that would justify their placement, but no words could compare the passion my heart has for them. So, In my own words I will dedicate myself, my life, and my post to them.

I have been blessed without end because of this man's presence in my life. My heart is forever tied to him. He has comforted me in life endlessly. He's been there every step of the way. Down every road I've chosen he's walked with me. Never a step behind. He's loved me from the depths of my heart to the bottom of my soul. He's loved me when I was hard to love. As much as I've pushed him away, he's remained a constant in my life. Never wavering on this path. He's been there from day one of my life. He's kissed away all my boo boos. Always helped me up when I fell. He was there with me when I rode my bike for the first time. He held me tight, but eventually let go. He gave me the freedom to try it on my own. He comforts me when I'm scared. He's been to every softball game I had. Right there in the bleachers cheering me on. In my darkest valley's, through trials and tribulations, he's reminded me of his love. He's reminded me of his commitment to never leave me. I wouldn't be half the person I am today if it wasn't for him, and for that I owe him everything. I am who I am, because of him.

Lord, I love you with everything I am!! I truly am who I am because of you. I thank you SO much for believing in me. I thank you SO much for thinking enough about me that you would send your son to die for our sins that we may be free. No matter how much I've strayed, or pushed you away, you've always welcomed me back with open arms. I'm SO happy to have you in my life. You've filled it with so much peace and joy. I've never been so comfortable with myself or my life til I opened my heart to you. I know there's nothing too big or too small I can't get through without you beside me. I will forever praise your name.

I wish I could have written that above post about my dad. *sigh* I'm sure some of you thought it was directed towards him, but truth being I could only dream. See, my dad is a distant in my life. Though I always dreamed of those things with him, it never was a reality. I missed my father being there for me. Softball when everyone Else's dad was there, mine was missing from the bleachers. When we went to state, he wasn't there to cheer me on. My graduation's, dance recitals. Cheer leading and Gymnastics went on without his presence. My mom raised my brother and I on her own. She in essence was my mother and father. I always dreamed of being a daddy's girl. After all, I am his only daughter. Four kids, only one girl. A lot of time's I've blamed myself for not being good enough for him. He was always there for birthday's and Christmas. He gave of his wallet candidly. What I'd have given to have him give of himself that way. I guess in many ways, I learned a lot from him. I closed myself off from people. Sheltered my heart in preparation of getting hurt. Maybe even anticipation. Maybe I never will know why he is the way he is, but this I do know. My heart is full of love for him. (OK, so this post might not mimic it) I love him with every ounce of who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see him. I am a spitting image of him. I pray for him constantly. See, he was an abusive man. My mom divorced him when I was one, because he wanted my mom to abort. She instead chose life. She became a woman of faith, thanks to my aunt, and well he belittled her for that. But, after all is said and done, he is my father. He is a part of me. For that, I am grateful.

To my wonderful husband. I love you!! I can't say enough about you on this day, or any day for that matter. Thank you will NEVER come close to the gratefulness I have in my heart for you. Thank you so much for accepting me as I was, bruised and broken. Young with a lot to learn. No matter how much I pushed you away, you never gave up on me. You drew me nearer. You brought back so much in my life I'd been missing. You love me unconditionally even when I'm not the easiest to love. We've been through a lot in our 6 years. With every step you've stood faithful beside me. You've helped me grow. You've given me strength at my weakest times, just because I knew you were there. I love you with everything I am, and thank you SO much for our beautiful and wonderful kids. After all, that's why I'm honoring you this day. Though I wish everyday was Father's day to honor you, because you deserve it. You have shown so much patience with them, as you have with me. Your full of love, and have poured your heart out to them. You give them guidance, and a foundation. You've given of yourself unselfishly. You've gone without to give to them. You've worked endless days, countless hours without recognition to give to them. You protect them with a hand that's so gentle. Your strong and uplifting. I couldn't have asked for more then when the Lord blessed me with you to be their father, my husband, and my best friend.

Regardless of when this day is over, these men will remain. They will be there. I will be here. I promise to forever honor them. After all, I am blessed. I have two father's!! How can I not commit myself entirely to them?

Pray for Stellan!!

It seems most people find their way to my page through MckMama's, so you may know Stellan's in need of prayers. For the few that don't and even those who do, will you do something for me?? Whenever you get a free minute throughout your day, will you say a prayer for sweet Stellan?? MckMama took him to the ER last night where he was admitted to the PICU again. This has got to be such a difficult road for the whole family. This road I'm sure is all too familiar and I'm sure it gets lonely. I know she knows were praying/pulling for her and her little man, but I'm sure she'd love to read about it too if you want to drop her a line. I'm continually praying for the whole family. Every free second I get.

Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.

—John 14:13-14

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

—Philippians 4:6


Dear Heavenly Father I pray that you lay your loving and healing hands on this family. I ask you to keep them in your arms cradled and sheltered by your grace. I pray that you guide them on this road they're on, and make your presence known. I pray they cling tight to their faith and remember that you are a loving God. Father, you are bigger then this SVT, and for that we are comforted. We ask you to give us peace in knowing that you are in control. Lord please give all Dr's and medical personell the knowledge they need to move forward with this precious boy. May they be of clear mind and open hearts to absorb the love, faithfulness, and peace you descend. Lord I pray all of this In Jesus name. Amen!

I miss home...

I'm starting to miss home. Actually let me back up. I've BEEN missing home, just not as bad as I have been recently. Though anyone can say what they want about Texas, (Trust me, I've heard it all) It's home to me, and will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. No matter where I am, my feet are planted firm on Texas soil. Er, Texas DIRT. It's just something about it. The smell, the feel, the people, the surroundings, it's in me.

I've lived everywhere from CA to TN, FL, VA, NC, to OK, and nothing compares. Doesn't even come close. I miss Gruene Hall, and Blue Bonnet. The Alamo, and the River Walk. Fiesta Texas and the Spurs. One finger waves, and Big Red. Corn Fields, and The Tank. Bill Miller Sweet Tea and Taco Cabana. Corpus. Front Porches and Backroads. Kosciusko Hall and Wade Bowen. I miss it all. So bad it hurts.

I just feel so much more peace at home. Texas holds a lot of memories for me. For our family. Though it holds some I'd rather like to forget, it's made us who we are today. It's made us stronger. We've been at some of our lowest points there, but the Lord ALWAYS brought us through, and for that I feel comfort there.

My husband's from Texas. Born and Raised. I was transplanted there when I was 16, so I've spent a lot of my life there. I'd love for my kids to grow up there. Daniel was born in Austin, Ryan and Brayden in San Antonio and Madison in Jourdanton. But they never really got to experience it. Really experience it, for what it is. I can't say enough about the people.

For the most part I've lived in small towns. It's who I am. A Small Town Girl. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It's helped keep me level. I love cruising the backroads. Everyone knowing everyone, and calling them by name. Though I could do without the drama. I love sittin on the front porch and watching the world around me in peacefulness. Watching a grandpa till the land with his grandson/granddaughter on his lap. I love how everyone waves to each other. I love the pride people have for their town and country. How everyone gets together on friday nights to support the local team. I love to hear yes ma'am, yes sir, and the likes there of. I love when church gets out and packs Busy Bear.

Is it just me, or does it seem like everyone smiles in small towns?? *shrug*

We've been praying a lot on going back. We'd love to be back home, but it's not in our hands. Ultimately it's not our decision. It's in God's hands, on his timing, and I'm ok with that. Until then, I'll sit here a time zone away and wallow in Blue Bell Ice Cream.

Mohawks adorable?? Who'd have thought??

 

Brayden wanted a Mohawk after he saw MckNugget sporting his, and I obliged. Ryan and Cody of course followed suit.
Brayden asked for purple in lieu of nuggey's red, and daddy and I declined. Next it'll be piercings and tattoo's.
Gotta put down the foot somwhere, huh?? HAHA

So this is the end result after sporting them nearly all day. They've fallen a bit, but I still believe they're adoreable.

Oh, and Brayden's hook 'em horns is to DIE for. HOOK 'EM!!

Not Me!! Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


Here I am with 22 minutes left to Tuesday, on the east coast anyway, and I'm JUST now doing my Not Me! Monday post. So anyhow, Here I go...

I certaintly DID NOT just tell my husband to "hurry", so I could come make my Not Me! Monday post!! Certaintly not me!! That would be HORRIBLE!!

On second thought, I DID NOT just write that. I am deffinately putting myself out there WAY too easily. Ouch!!

I DID NOT let Ryan pee in a cup in the suburban to keep from having to get out at Target because I was not "Dressed" to go in.

I DID NOT put a towel folded up in Brayden's bed at 2 in the morning the other night when he awoke to let me know he had an accident. With that, I certaintly DID NOT let him go commando back to bed. Nope, Not me!!

Last but not least, I DID NOT feed Paisley the side of my boob in a haze last night as I fought to keep my eyes open. I would NEVER do that!! In my findings, I did not take a picture of the hickey, and choose to print it and put it in the scrap book as my first hickey...Haha! Not me...

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I DID NOT put flour in my husband's coffee the other morning as he hurriedly ran out the door 15 minutes late, and as I saw the sugar in the cabinet, and the flour on the counter I most certainly called him and told him, right?? That's what a good wife would do!! HA HA, I certainly wouldn't have laughed hysterically when he called to tell me about "my mistake". I'm more apologetic then that.

I DID NOT tip toe to our bedroom after leaving my husband sleeping soundly on the couch when going to bed in fear he'd ask for sex. I would NEVER do that. I ALWAYS cater to his needs.

I DID NOT pass gas in line at Target, then turn around and blame it on my 4 year old who subsequently turned to me and said "No, Mama, that was you remember"? I would have taken ultimate responsibility. After all, I am the adult right??

Last but not least, I DID NOT proudly wear a wet spot on my shirt while going into Target for nursing pads. When daunted about the wet spot I DID NOT proudly announce "I breastfeed" smile, and carry on. I would have at least put something in my bra before leaving the house to prevent a leak. *shaking head*

One of those days...

Have you ever just had one of those days?? One that you just can't put your finger on?? Something has you down, and you can't quite figure out what?? I'm having one of those days...

My day hasn't been bad, but hasn't been the greatest either. Nothing's really happened. I mean to justify my feeling for the day anyway. It's just I don't feel up to par. I'm SO emotional and don't know why. *sigh* I figured if I could find a reason for my emotional state, it would at least make it rational, but as much as I've dug today, there's just no reason.

Maybe it's the countless days, and months of being the rock. Maybe it's the countless times I've been the shoulder. I've been the heart and soul to rely on. I've been that ear. Maybe I've built my self up so long putting on that shell, that I've come to realize I'm not that person. I can't be that person. Sure, I can be a rock for my family, and I can be that friend, but sometimes maybe I need that too. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna dwell on myself. I don't want self pity, and quite frankly, I don't like the focus being on me and my problems. So then why do I care??

I'm just broken emotionally. I have so many emotions, and so many pieces scattered, that I'm afraid to really try to pick it all up. If I put it all back together I'm afraid I'll see the real truth in it. Afraid I'll have to face the real problems and I don't think I'm ready for that.

See, I've braved the face of a motherless child. I've braved the face of a special needs mother. As many other faces I've put on, I think those hit me worse.

My mother and I had a close relationship many moons ago. Alcohol came between us when my aunt passed. She turned to drinkin and I turned to the world. I lashed out many times in hopes of attention. But I never got that. I left home just to return several times. I never once resorted to drugs, but I did for some time resort to alcohol. I couldn't understand what about it had her intrigued. How she could love a 6 pack more then me?? You'd have thought that would have turned me from it right? But it didn't. I became a friend of boys in spite of myself. In turn, I had a child out of wedlock. I could make a million excuses for my actions, including that I was looking for someone to love me, but it wouldn't change the facts. I got pregnant, and became a bigger dissapointment to my mom. I was called every name in the book. I was confronted with abortion. *gasp* this still is my mother right?? The born again christian that once bathed in jesus name?? I was lost and scared, and shunned by my mother. I was broken. Time went on, and 9 mo. later a child named Daniel brought us both together again. Nothing really hits a heart like a grandmother holding her first grandchild. But all of that would soon change.

Two weeks into this journey Daniel started twitchin. When I say twitching I mean more or less "knocking" with his right hand. Something just didn't seem right. I made mention to my mom when she got off work, and we both concluded it'd be best to take him to the after hours clinic so away we went. I prayed on the way over there that he would continue these spasm's so the Dr. could witness this. I know that sounds horrible. Forgive me, I'm not a horrible mother, and would never bestow on my worst enemy what was to come. When we arrived at the after hours clinic he was still having these spasm's. We were immediately seen, and immediately rushed to the E.R. There a spinal tap was taken and he was diagnosed with Right focal infantile seizures, and viral spinal meningitis. Thus began our long journey in and out of the ICU. To and from neurologist apt., speech, occupational and physical therapists. So on and So forth. At the age of 2 he was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We were told he would never walk or talk, in which began the talk of heel snips and hip surgery. It's been a long hard road. Were still not free of seizures. Though they've taken their own course over the years. But we deal. We may never be seizure free, and that's fine too. I love him just the same.

Taking on a life at 17 was hard to swallow. Then to learn he was a child with special needs was a blow, but I gripped life with both hands. I quickly turned the road of faith. I clung to God with all I had. I praised him for thinking enough of me to have blessed me with a special needs child. After all, If he brought me to it, He'd bring me through it, right??

Seriously, you know what an honor it is to be the mother of a special needs child?? To have been given the gift of love from a child that gives whole heartedly. To see no wrong in this world. To know no hate, or jealousy, or greed, or any other wordly fault. He's taught me SO much more in 11 years then I could have ever hoped to have learned in almost 29. After all he's been through he still finds reason to smile no matter how the rest of the world perceives him. He's overcome his dissability and finds ability in everything.

I am SO blessed.

But in saying that, sometime's theres hard days. Days when I don't feel strong enough to face the world with a disabled child. Time's when I don't feel I have enough to give to him. When I'm questioned by others, or teachers, or Dr.'s in my position on something. Seriously, I should have to explain myself?? Time's that I feel maybe I've failed him. Because I turned down the surgery because they couldn't guarantee it would make a difference. Time's I opted against putting and leaving him in a wheelchair cause I thought it'd be best for him to use his muscles. Time's I reduced his doses of medicine because he wasn't Daniel. I've done the best that I know with what I've been given. Maybe sometimes my best isn't good enough for some people but at 17, at least I chose life. At least I gave myself whole heartedly to that special boy. I embraced this life, and have never looked back. That's more then some can say.

And for this, I believe I'm a better person.

To my mom though I wasn't. She always held Daniel against me. She tried several times to take him away for the sake of a friend. Not even for herself, for a friend. She's given me the lowest of blows, and still my heart aches for her. I long to have that relationship we once had. I fear though that we'll never get it back. I've tried to apologize for my actions in the past. I've tried to extend my hand in hopes of reconciliation. I've made the calls to her everytime. She's never once called me. Never once wished my kids a happy birthday. Not once even made the attempt to remember a certain detail about them. But yet I try. Why?? Because I don't want to be a motherless child anymore. I need my mother. I feel like a part of me is missing. I've already lost my father, I don't want to lose her. I have this longing in life to have her near. I want my kids to know their grandmother. I want her to want to know about them. I want her to know how much she means to me, but I can't open my heart to her in fear of getting hurt. That's why I lashed out years ago. I needed to be on the defense. But when it comes down to it, she's the reason I'm who I am today. I wouldn't be me if it hadn't been her.

Looking in the mirror she's who I see. She's with me everywhere I go. I'm strong now because I once observed and admired her strength. I love my faith because once she cared enough to implant that seed in me to grow in Jesus name. She chose life for me when my father yelled death. She struggled working 2 jobs giving of herself endlessly to raise two kids on her own. That's why I am the mother I am. But I also will not break.

I love you mom. I thank you from the deepest spot in my heart for everything, good or bad. I am who I am because of you and that's all I could ever hope to be!!

Not me!! Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I DID NOT take my 4 mo. old daughter into the bathroom last night to nurse her because she was hungry and well, I had to potty!! That is SO un-sanitary, and just plain YUCK!!

I DID NOT put Ryan's shoes on the wrong feet while he's telling me they're on the wrong feet and then several minutes later when I realize this proceed to ask him why he didn't tell me this. I would NEVER have done that. Parents always listen to their children!!

I DID NOT squeeze Paisley into the last 2 size 1 diapers before putting her in size 2's because I couldn't see wasting 2 measly diapers! On the same hand I DID NOT put Madison into a size 6 and after comming to this conclusion, leave her in it and exclaim that a 6 fits just like a 3 that I couldn't tell the difference. *shaking head*

Last but not least, I DID NOT allow Cody to continue drawing on the wall with a sharpie marker because I was on the phone with the state and couldn't bear yelling "Quit drawing on the wall with a marker" while talking to them. In doing that, I wouldn't have not care because were painting their room this weekend anyway. Nah!! Not Me!!

My Babies...

I want to introduce you to my babies. First, Is Daniel. He is 11. He was born on good friday. He was my first test of faith. He originally was going to be named Bradley, but my mom suggested Daniel and I happily agreed. At 2 weeks old he was diagnosed with right focal infantile seizures. At 3 mo. old and MRI confirmed brain damage. At 2 y.o he was given the diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. He can't walk, or talk. I may never hear the words " I love you" come out of his mouth, but I've heard them a thousand times through his countless smiles and slobbery kisses. He truely is my hero. He's overcome his dissability, and finds ability in everything he does.

It switched the next 2 around, so we'll go in it's order *giggle*

Next posted is Brayden. He's my 3rd son. He's 4. He was also born on Good Friday. March 25th. Brayden is the "big brother". He helps out alot around the house. He's my right hand. Literally. He's eager to please, and has quite an imagination. He loves motorcycles, and wal*mart. *shrug* He's wise beyond his years in vocabulary and can out talk even me. Now that's saying alot.

Then there's Ryan. Who is 5. He's the 2nd boy born. Ryan was born 5 weeks early, and after a week long NICU stay was welcomed home with open arms, healthy. Ryan loves big trucks and bugs. Ecspecially moths. *shaking head* He's the epitome of boyism. haha. He hates water being poured on his head but happily runs through the sprinklers. He loves lightning mcqueen and all things involved.

Then there's Cody. He is 3 and a bit fiesty. Not one for patience. He voices himself often with screams. He has long eyelashes, and a heart melting smile. He follows his big brothers everywhere. He is their shadow. He loves "mowing the lawn" and sitting on mama. He adores his sisters, unfortunately they doesn't always adore him.

Next is Madison. She'll be 20 mo. She has beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair. She loves her babies, and carries them around everywhere. She loves to put them to sleep and give them hugs and kisses. She adores Brayden and Paisley second to her boots I believe. She's a princess, and has to have her way. She doesn't like the word "no" and will quite often end up on the floor after hearing it.

Last but not least, Is Paisley. She'll be 4 mo. the 18th. She is the completion to our family, and we couldn't have asked for more. She's a boobie monster. She loves watching her brothers and sisters and is adored by them all. She loves being talked to and can laugh for hours. I love her to pieces, and am trying to embrace each moment as she is the last. *sniff*

We truely have been blessed beyond words. We couldn't have asked for more then what we've been given in these 6 beautiful and wonderful children. Time sure has flown, and I'm learning to treasure every moment.

Thank you Lord so much for blessing me with these babies. For thinking enough about me that you should grace me with your children. Please guide me as a mother. Help me to hear your voice and follow your path. Help me to honor you in this journey.

Religion-Decision

Because saying I'm a Christian is so general, I want to characterize it. I'm not claimed by religion. I was raised non-denominational. If I leaned towards anything, I'd have to say it was baptist. I was raised in private schools, in a faith based church going family. My mom divorced my dad because she found God, and he never did. My aunt was a missionary. I didn't enter public schools until I was in middle school. We attended church religiously every Wed. and Sunday. Every summer my brother and I readily and happily enjoyed christian camp. I learned how to recite the books of the bible in order in Awana. I was the epitome of Christianity. But what does that really mean?? I never cussed, I didn't scrutinize people, I attended church, I tithed, I knew the books of the bible, and could quote chapter and verse. I was proud to say I was a christian. All my friends were christians. I proudly wore a cross around my neck, and talked of God to friends as if he were a close friend. I knew God, and never wavered on my path.

But see, that was the problem. I was born in to this life. I didn't have to find it on my own. I knew God, but never had a close personal relationship with him. The chapters and verses in the bible were spoke from thought, not my heart. I was sheltered. I later learned how weak my faith was when it was tested. See, I never really KNEW God, I just knew of him. Two totally different things.

I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N

I'm a Christian! Whatever that means. I know for some people that's easy to say, but that's something I've always struggled with. The whole act of saying it hasn't always been hard, but it's not always come easy. I've had those troubles of caring what others thought. Not only if I confessed I was a Christian, but also if I were to "act" like a Christian. I'm not saying "act" as in terms of a play or rehearsal, but more in the means of, I smoke, I've had my share of faults (more, I'll touch on later) I've spat my share of cuss words, and I had a child out of wedlock. *Gasp* That's the brutal truth.

See, I've been afraid of judgement. Afraid of what others might think, so I've chose not to disclose those 3 words. "I'm a Christian".Christians were sure to judge me. Now, I understand it's human nature to judge. It's an evil character in us al l. But I know in my heart of hearts as a human being, I also have feelings. I hurt, I cry, and am like so many others in that aspect. Unfortunately, we don't always stop to think about others. About what they might think or feel. Sometimes we don't care, but I do and that's what has made it so hard. But from here on out, I'm gonna build the strength, find the will, and embrace those words.

What am I doing here??

I'm lost, and a bit scared. I know where I need to be, It's the getting there that's a bit trembling. I named my blog "trying to find my feet", cause that's what I'm trying to do. I think I've lived so long for everyone else that I've truely lost sight of who I am. I've lost sight of what is most important in life. I've cared too much about what others thought. Now it's time to be brutally honest. With myself, and with others. *No Backspacing* You might not always like, or agree with what I have to say, but this is me. It's my way of being able to find my feet. Through my thoughts, my words, my blog. So, here goes....