One of those days...

Have you ever just had one of those days?? One that you just can't put your finger on?? Something has you down, and you can't quite figure out what?? I'm having one of those days...

My day hasn't been bad, but hasn't been the greatest either. Nothing's really happened. I mean to justify my feeling for the day anyway. It's just I don't feel up to par. I'm SO emotional and don't know why. *sigh* I figured if I could find a reason for my emotional state, it would at least make it rational, but as much as I've dug today, there's just no reason.

Maybe it's the countless days, and months of being the rock. Maybe it's the countless times I've been the shoulder. I've been the heart and soul to rely on. I've been that ear. Maybe I've built my self up so long putting on that shell, that I've come to realize I'm not that person. I can't be that person. Sure, I can be a rock for my family, and I can be that friend, but sometimes maybe I need that too. Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna dwell on myself. I don't want self pity, and quite frankly, I don't like the focus being on me and my problems. So then why do I care??

I'm just broken emotionally. I have so many emotions, and so many pieces scattered, that I'm afraid to really try to pick it all up. If I put it all back together I'm afraid I'll see the real truth in it. Afraid I'll have to face the real problems and I don't think I'm ready for that.

See, I've braved the face of a motherless child. I've braved the face of a special needs mother. As many other faces I've put on, I think those hit me worse.

My mother and I had a close relationship many moons ago. Alcohol came between us when my aunt passed. She turned to drinkin and I turned to the world. I lashed out many times in hopes of attention. But I never got that. I left home just to return several times. I never once resorted to drugs, but I did for some time resort to alcohol. I couldn't understand what about it had her intrigued. How she could love a 6 pack more then me?? You'd have thought that would have turned me from it right? But it didn't. I became a friend of boys in spite of myself. In turn, I had a child out of wedlock. I could make a million excuses for my actions, including that I was looking for someone to love me, but it wouldn't change the facts. I got pregnant, and became a bigger dissapointment to my mom. I was called every name in the book. I was confronted with abortion. *gasp* this still is my mother right?? The born again christian that once bathed in jesus name?? I was lost and scared, and shunned by my mother. I was broken. Time went on, and 9 mo. later a child named Daniel brought us both together again. Nothing really hits a heart like a grandmother holding her first grandchild. But all of that would soon change.

Two weeks into this journey Daniel started twitchin. When I say twitching I mean more or less "knocking" with his right hand. Something just didn't seem right. I made mention to my mom when she got off work, and we both concluded it'd be best to take him to the after hours clinic so away we went. I prayed on the way over there that he would continue these spasm's so the Dr. could witness this. I know that sounds horrible. Forgive me, I'm not a horrible mother, and would never bestow on my worst enemy what was to come. When we arrived at the after hours clinic he was still having these spasm's. We were immediately seen, and immediately rushed to the E.R. There a spinal tap was taken and he was diagnosed with Right focal infantile seizures, and viral spinal meningitis. Thus began our long journey in and out of the ICU. To and from neurologist apt., speech, occupational and physical therapists. So on and So forth. At the age of 2 he was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We were told he would never walk or talk, in which began the talk of heel snips and hip surgery. It's been a long hard road. Were still not free of seizures. Though they've taken their own course over the years. But we deal. We may never be seizure free, and that's fine too. I love him just the same.

Taking on a life at 17 was hard to swallow. Then to learn he was a child with special needs was a blow, but I gripped life with both hands. I quickly turned the road of faith. I clung to God with all I had. I praised him for thinking enough of me to have blessed me with a special needs child. After all, If he brought me to it, He'd bring me through it, right??

Seriously, you know what an honor it is to be the mother of a special needs child?? To have been given the gift of love from a child that gives whole heartedly. To see no wrong in this world. To know no hate, or jealousy, or greed, or any other wordly fault. He's taught me SO much more in 11 years then I could have ever hoped to have learned in almost 29. After all he's been through he still finds reason to smile no matter how the rest of the world perceives him. He's overcome his dissability and finds ability in everything.

I am SO blessed.

But in saying that, sometime's theres hard days. Days when I don't feel strong enough to face the world with a disabled child. Time's when I don't feel I have enough to give to him. When I'm questioned by others, or teachers, or Dr.'s in my position on something. Seriously, I should have to explain myself?? Time's that I feel maybe I've failed him. Because I turned down the surgery because they couldn't guarantee it would make a difference. Time's I opted against putting and leaving him in a wheelchair cause I thought it'd be best for him to use his muscles. Time's I reduced his doses of medicine because he wasn't Daniel. I've done the best that I know with what I've been given. Maybe sometimes my best isn't good enough for some people but at 17, at least I chose life. At least I gave myself whole heartedly to that special boy. I embraced this life, and have never looked back. That's more then some can say.

And for this, I believe I'm a better person.

To my mom though I wasn't. She always held Daniel against me. She tried several times to take him away for the sake of a friend. Not even for herself, for a friend. She's given me the lowest of blows, and still my heart aches for her. I long to have that relationship we once had. I fear though that we'll never get it back. I've tried to apologize for my actions in the past. I've tried to extend my hand in hopes of reconciliation. I've made the calls to her everytime. She's never once called me. Never once wished my kids a happy birthday. Not once even made the attempt to remember a certain detail about them. But yet I try. Why?? Because I don't want to be a motherless child anymore. I need my mother. I feel like a part of me is missing. I've already lost my father, I don't want to lose her. I have this longing in life to have her near. I want my kids to know their grandmother. I want her to want to know about them. I want her to know how much she means to me, but I can't open my heart to her in fear of getting hurt. That's why I lashed out years ago. I needed to be on the defense. But when it comes down to it, she's the reason I'm who I am today. I wouldn't be me if it hadn't been her.

Looking in the mirror she's who I see. She's with me everywhere I go. I'm strong now because I once observed and admired her strength. I love my faith because once she cared enough to implant that seed in me to grow in Jesus name. She chose life for me when my father yelled death. She struggled working 2 jobs giving of herself endlessly to raise two kids on her own. That's why I am the mother I am. But I also will not break.

I love you mom. I thank you from the deepest spot in my heart for everything, good or bad. I am who I am because of you and that's all I could ever hope to be!!